Hmmmm.....Something to take a look at.....

Neglected Blog

Oh my poor neglected blog.  I look at it all the time, I imagine what I could say and what great subjects I might write about...but here sits my little blog...
So I've loved, loved, loved, Life Mastery....it's exactly what I deserve at this time of my life....
It seems my physical body is fighting with my spirit...but I get to over come that and move onward and upward...
Thanksgiving will be here soon.  The kids are going to DisneyLand...Doug and I will be here....I guess we will go to Chuck's or something for dinner....I would rather do that....making Thanksgiving dinner for 2 is just silly...that holiday deserves lots of food and lots food and commotion.  Next year!!!!

TGIF

HA HA THIS MAKES ME LAUGH

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FRIENDS

A ROCK

Attraction

They pull me toward them 

Large, Flat, Angled, 

Just right for laying on

Just right for gazing upon the clouds

Just right for seeing the stars

Just right for experiencing, feeling, and knowing.

Strength

They are grounded

They know their place

They know their purpose

They are resistant yet pliable

They are ever changing yet remain grand

Protection

They have a place for me to be

Their curves and crevices cradle me

They keep small flowers and grasses safe

They allow me to speak

They listen to me
They speak to me

10 TRUTHS

I have learned so much in the last 3 days...it's more than I can share so I will just list some truths that I have learned.

1. God is not a religion and a religion is not God.

2. It is what it is, rise above it.

3. Rocks are powerful, safe, and provide protection.

4. Belief systems are BS (bull shit).

5. I get to work on leaving my BS in the past.

6. The lessons of my past serve me now.

7. I am not the person behind the mask.

8. I AM a powerful, beautiful, peaceful, open woman of light.

9. I have a creator, I am a creator.

10. I AM.

 

I am in gratitude for these truths....I am in gratitude for my angels....I am in gratitude for nature, and the answers, and assistance she gives....I am in gratitude for truth and love, trust, and God.

JUST BE!

Public Speaking

I wish the great thoughts that I formulate in my head would come out of my mouth when I am asked to speak before people. I don't feel afraid, my mind just goes blank and I can't say what I've intended to. I don't like it.
Sometimes I wait for the inspiration to come, but it never does.

Laugh...

Yup just what I deserved to start the day.

Fabulous Quote.....

“I swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
Holocaust survivor, Elie Weisel (NIGHT)

Amazing.....that's all I have to say

The Yearly Review

AAAAHHHH.... The yearly evaluation, such joy, such a happiness, such warm fuzzies...? I think not. I dread evaluation. This year was no different. I got to the bosses office, and waited for the previous person to finish, entered the room, closed the door and sat across from the chief. She is a nice woman, and I know she has plenty of stuff on her shelf, so meeting with all the employees once a year is probably not her favorite thing either. Jefe was actually the one that hired me almost 10 years ago, to work as a PCT on the CVU, which I did for 5 years. I had just started school, and I worked nights from 6:00 pm to 2:30 am. I felt confident and knowledgeable about my job, I knew who I could ask questions of, and who I should avoid annoying with a question or two. About a year ago I had a couple of very negative experiences related to my job....I suppose you could say my feel goods got hurt, and they are still stinging...The day that happened I learned a HUGE lesson about where I fit in the world. I learned where the bottom line really is...and I learned that I am the only one that is going to stick up for me. Not that I didn't already know that , as in, I know that I must save myself before I can do anything for others. I sure forget that a lot. Evaluations are uncomfortable, at times they are condescending, and others are a celebration. I wonder if everyone comes to tears at these things. I didn't mean to, I took a pill so I'd be less worried, less stressed, but what happened?? Yep, open water works. I really was ready to move on, really...but now I deserved to emotionally regroup and find a place of peace and love of the life I get to create for myself.

Best Gift Ever

Yea for books!!!! Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble to "spend" the gift card Doug gave me for my birthday. I was in HOG heaven.....I spent forever just perusing the books....isn't that a great word? I looked at the fiction books, the religious books, the novels, the biographies, and I picked some of each. My usual genre is mystery, slasher, whodunit's but I wasn't really in the mood for that so I chose books that I would not normally read. I love reading!! I am really excited to finish my books.
I got 8 books, and only spent a little bit over what was allowed on my card. Oh, and of course I got a couple of bookmarks....so again I have to say Yea for books, and Yea for bookmarks....

Fall Funny

Ahhh....I love Fall....it's my favorite time of year.

Sad News

I'm sad. My first celebrity crush has died at age 57, from pancreatic cancer. I fell in love with him when he was Orry Mane on the long ago television movie North and South. He was so handsome and was such a perfect southern gentleman. He could ride a horse, loved his mama, loved his northern friend unconditionally, and fought for the ideals he believed to be correct. PERSONAL NOTE...I do not subscribe to the mentality that many southerners do, which is, THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN....and don't care for Mama's boys in general. I also loved the movie he did with Wesly Snipes, Julie Nemar, WooTangChoo or something like that.
I did love Patrick, I was so excited to go the Dirty Dancing. What about that clay scene in Ghost, as well as the last time he got to hold Demi Moore (Molly) before he left for heaven, those are among the my most favorite love scenes.
I loved that he was a ballet dancer. He was so manly and yet could pull off the delicateness and strength of ballet. He remained married to his wife, and didn't get caught up in the Hollywood thing as far as I could tell.
What a sad day....even if it was just a silly school girl crush.

...last thing I remember....

This is crazy...I just turned 45...yep that's right 45. That's only 5 years till 50!!! I can just imagine the tall hill I'm perched on....I'm gonna end up on the bottom of it sooner than I want to....YIKES!!! Frequently there are patients that come to the hospital, they're 43, or 44, or maybe 47. They ALL look old...I AM NOT OLD...am I?? Please don't tell me that. I remember when my mom was around 35 and I thought to myself, of course, my Mom is old(even young girls know not to say that stuff to an "older" woman). Now I'm 10 years older that that, and I'm sure I'm not old. OK so I do feel old. That's the trouble with getting older...the pain...not the mental anguish, and drama of it all...just the physical aches and pains that are starting to creep in. Holding all that stress of life in the right side of my neck, the injuries of activities that were much easier 10 or 15 years ago. The uncomfortable feeling of a HOT FLASH...ya I said hot flash. Old people are ending their careers, heck I just graduated from college less that 5 years ago. I'm just starting out. I haven't had enough time to learn everything, I haven't figured out all the stuff I'm supposed to do...I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH RETIREMENT!!!!! On the bright side...I still don't wear glasses. I didn't say I didn't need or or even that that I didn't have a pair, I just said I still don't WEAR them. They are where I can get them if I NEED them, right in my purse buried underneath a lot of other things in there I don't need either...I keep them "just in case". I still have young kids, and NO .... hear me NO grand kids, yet. I don't even have daughters in law or a son in law yet. **Oh, now that stress spot in my neck is starting to flair up.** I have good hearing still, just ask my kids...they will tell you I can hear everything. (mostly the stuff they don't want me to hear...LoL) I haven't gone crazy yet, that's a plus, for me and everyone around me. I'm more patient. I have a better sense of the people in my life, I get what's important to get, and what just doesn't matter. I don't care anymore about being popular, or that I keep up with the Jones, or that I don't fit in with the church ladies. Wisdom is what I've gotten from this age........here's to greater wisdom.....but let's slow down on the age.

Thoughts

OK so I haven't been blogging so much, but I'm here now. I really gotta wonder why people in the world are so selfish. Maybe I'm selfish too. It's been a difficult couple of weeks. I want my 2 boys Mitch and Sam to spend time with me. During the week is better than the weekends as all they want to do and the weekend is "hang out" with their buddies. Not being allowed that time with them is causing some extreme grief for me. The ex and his wife want to control the boys time...thinking that it's better to have consistency.....I'm pretty sure that the chaotic lifestyle that goes on for them is NOT consistent. Well, I've talked to an attorney....still considering what is in the greatest good.

Max....my little boy....we are working on his placement into a home type environment. This is in the greatest good. I am grateful for Tony's wife on this matter, she is doing the leg work and I get to tag along. I was thinking about some of the comments I've heard from Brenda concerning his care, and the difficulty she is having with it. She's been dealing with it for maybe a year....I dealt with it for 7 years or so....hmmm....my way of dealing with it was sadly not so positive. But really he's just the same as he was for me, only he's taller and stronger. I know the difficulty and I know the anxiety that comes along with his care. No one gets that. It feels over whelming and sad to know that I had no skills to cope with him. I shut it all out. I turned to other things. I ran away. How does a mom do that? I love Anthony, Jill, Mitchel, Sam and Max more that ever.

There are times when I wonder why I had kids. Was I ever a good parent. OK so no good/bad game. It is what it is...it was HELL, and I only just survived in it. If it's true that our lives are a test then it could be said that I have failed.

I AM a powerful, beautiful, peaceful, open woman of light!

Please

I've told you before, I just want to be loved
Really loved, for the person I am.
The good the bad, the ugly.
With no conditions...Please.

Please love me on the good days & love me on the bad days.
Please love me if I yell , or if I'm sad, or if their is something hard for me to do.
Please love me if I am afraid of my life, my parenting skills, my childhood fears, & leftover sadness.

Please love me reguardless of anything you hate about me.
Please love me if I'm fat, skinny, eat too much, sleep too much, or work too much.
Please love me while I explore, wonder & answer my question about God.

Please love if I never clean, or if I never cook.
Please love me if I wreck my car.
Please love me if I look ugly, say I feel ugly or I just want to be ugly.

Please support me when I try things you know are difficult for me.
Please love me when I have an idea or if I can't follow through on that idea.
Please love if I cry for days or if I am angry over things that are frustrating.
Please hear me when I tell you how I feel.
Please tell me you care about how I feel.

Please protect me, keep me safe from things that are scary for me,
Please promise not to make fun or minimize those things.
Please hug me, hold me, make me feel safe, & loved without expectations.
Please help me feel sucess & not failure.

The First

Yesterday I saw the movie Julie Julia. It was so good. I loved Meryl Streep, who played Julia Child. She had her down to a T. The actress who played Julie was great as well. Unfortunately, I don't remember her name...maybe I'll look it up later.
I wanted to start a blog just for me, because I have to write. I have a little notebook to write in, but I thought maybe this would be more fun. I may or may not share this blog, I haven't decided. I can promise that it will be full of stuff about me. My life, my feelings, my trials, my triumphs. I get to BE, but I really gotta write about it...it calms me, and gets the negative out of my head. Maybe I should have titled my blog therapy...but saving myself is my therapy so .... this works for me.