Sunday, October 9, 2011


I'm just wondering if anyone has missed me?

I just today...yea I know about the grammatical problem me a new fangled wireless keyboard for my IPad...YEA!!!

So glad to be back in the blog world...that is if I can thing of anything to blog about now...


Monday, February 14, 2011

It's Only a Holiday

I have a love hate relationship with Valentine's Day. I used to celebrate it with zeal. I used to think it was so fun.
When I was in elementary school I would save the best Valentine cards for the the kids I liked the best. I only really remember one boy named Jamie that I liked. I went through all my little cards and choose the very best one for him.
In my memory my family didn't really "celebrate" Valentine's Day with something special. Sometimes we would deliver Valentines to our friends door steps, ring the door bell and run away. That was fun, I remember hoping that our door bell would ring, it did sometimes. I don't think this is a tradition for kids anymore, kinda sad I think.
When I was first married, I was a cake decorator at the local grocery store, where we lived. I worked every Valentine's Day, all day, very, very, long hours, making wedding cakes, and other special orders for the love struck of the community. Any idea how much food coloring it takes to make the correct color of red??? My hands were always stained red for days.
When I was in college, the guy I was dating, picked Valentine's Day to kiss me for the first time. He later became my husband. We sort of used Valentine's Day as an anniversary of sorts. We got engaged on Valentine's Day. (there might be a separate post about that, for levity's sake...) We celebrated that day with gifts, I even bought him a motorcycle one year. He loved it and we both rode it for fun and necessity. We are divorced.
I'm not sure how to feel about Valentine's Day now. Do I just stop remembering? Do I ignore it? Do I celebrate it in spite of the ambiguity I feel for it? Should I just make it though the day as I have for many years now?
I have someone new to love and I do love him with all I am, I know he loves equally as much. I have 5 children that I love with all my heart. I have 8 siblings, and their spouses and their kids that I love. I have parents that I love. I have extended family that I love. So is Valentine's Day about who I love, or about the experiences of love? Is it about tangible gifts or gifts of the heart? Is it a day that we must express love, or celebrate love, or fall in love?
For me when Valentine's Day approaches, I of course remember the past. I remember the dread of working so long, and so hard, and how red and stained my hands were. I also remember looking to a future. Of course then I never anticipated the bumpy, winding, curving, nauseating road to the present. I never thought about the joys and heartaches that come from the experience of loving. I never thought that as I worked long and hard to please everyone in my world, that I would crumble and break, and how I would scar. Deep red scars that are permanent, but gratefully have begun to fade over time.
So I have a relationship with a holiday, I love it, and I mostly hate it. It is what it is, a Holiday, now what?

Monday, January 31, 2011

Monday, Monday...So Good to Me...

Unlike the rest of the world I USUALLY don't work on Monday. It just the way my master schedule is and I really like it that way. Yes, I have a full time job. I work three twelve hour shifts a week.

That's right work three days, off four days. Seems great huh? Heck that's one of the reasons I thought it would be great to pursue nursing as a career. "Wow", I thought, nurses only work three days a week. I could work full time and still be a mom. Little did I know that three days a week, three twelve hour days a week, might kill me.
I'm really not complaining, I have a great job, in a great hospital, in a great unit, working with some great's...GREAT!!!

My favorite part of being and registered nurse, is connecting with the people I take care of. Most of them are older...that's as in older than me, not old...most of them are hilarious, some of them are grumpy and a few are cantankerous. However my relationship with my patients starts out, it my goal to see a smile on every face at least once a day. If I can create that then the first step to a connection is born. Rare is the person that can resist my bad jokes, or off tune singing of what ever song is stuck in my head for the day. Their smiles usually show pretty quick. The best is when there is witty banter with other staff. Last week I had just such an experience.....(thought cloud ... Cut to scene ... Generic cardiac ICU hospital room ... Somewhere USA...)

Back Info: After a person has open heart surgery it's important to get them up and moving. Cardiac Rehab is the program that assists the patients to get moving after their surgery. This is a twice daily event.

So on Friday afternoon, Wgirl, & Ken Doll(Cardiac Rehab team)and myself, were getting the patient ready to ambulate,(that means walk in nursy language) Wgirl rehab extraordinaire ..was singing a song I am unfamiliar with. I stated I didn't know that song and she said to me, "Do you ever listen to current music?" Hmmm...I thought...well..I'm sure I do...I said to Wgirl, "Why, of course I do, last week I was listening to Lean Like a Cholo." (another story for another blog post...)Any little patient shared that he liked The Four Freshmen, and I of course, had to belt out something about...doooowhooop,whoop... the patient got it, Wgril and Ken Doll were looking at me like I was insane. Then the old Song Tammy came to mind and I asked the patient if he remember that one. He did, I was gaining popularity with the patient. I asked him if the Four Freshman had gone to his alum-a-mater(spell checker fail?). He or his wife said I was mistaken that that was the The Lettermen. I was a rock-star now with my patient because I knew some of his songs, and a couple of groups. I could relate...and I could sing...ok attempt to sing a couple of 50's do-ooop's, and part of a sappy ballad about a girl named Tammy. All the while I was thinking...current music?? Dang my age is showing...

I know current music. My I-pod has everything from classical to rap and everything in between. I don't love jazz, but I do like Nora Jones and Jason Marz who are sort of jazzy??? Then I thought, "Who cares because I just made my patient smile", we connected through the 50's do-oop music that I listened to when I was younger.

I really do have a great job, and my "little old people" as I secretly call them are my favorite. They make me smile every day.

Last week one of my favorite nursing home patient's passed away. Her name was Minnie. She once told me she, "loved me daily"...and then an hour later referred to me as as..."a bitch". I choose to remember that with love and humor, and I'm sure she did think I was a bitch, and love me daily...she just didn't know who I was, and that doesn't matter to me, because I knew who she was. She touched my heart as so many of the people I get to know on a short term basis do.

I may or may not listen to "current" music, I may or may not love working 12 hour shifts, at perfect or not so perfect job...BUT, I LOVE what I do, the people I meet, the people I've learned to care for, the people who touch my life, and most of all I love Mondays off!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Midweek News

Some news....

I am an American Idol fan...

Some more news...

Tonight (I think) I will be a sort of step grandparent. Oddly I'm sort of excited, after all it is Doug that will actually be that grandpa....
So far there has not been any new of feet and toes ....
Well here's some news ... Her name is Addison. That's cute isn't it?
Last bit of news, I'm typing under the influence of sleeping pills...I promise nothing is going to make sense, and tomorrow I'm gonna laugh about this post....
Good Night John Boy, and Mary Ellen ..... Etc.

It's bugging me ...

I've got to post a bump so that the last post doesn't take up the whole screen.

Here's the BUMP!!!!

Just for good measure I wanted to add that sometimes people are exactly what I expect them to be....

And I got out if bed today hooray for me, cuz I really wanted to stay there today!!!


Sunday, January 23, 2011

Words are not necessary....I am "trying" to think of something poignant to post but this video says it all.

All of us are individuals...Love, Light and Peace to all...

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Today is January 20th.  One of the best friends I've ever had was born today.  I used to buy her a gift every year, which for me in not an easy task.  I'd fret and fear over it being perfect, something she would love, some thing tasteful, not cheep or cheesy.  The last time I saw her was in a store, I broke into tears because I missed who we used to be.  Both of our lives have changed though and we've moved on.  This morning I left a quick Happy Birthday on her Facebook page.  I noticed that she is also friends with my ex husbands new wife. which is OK, he deserves to have happiness.  The bite there is that my friendship with S. is now another causality, the last few years experiences. My ex got custody I guess.

Of course I know that losses are a part of life and that as I choose this over that I choose to gain or lose certain things.   The scale of gain and loss seems a bit unequal much of the time. There is  no way to know how great the impact of the things I've gained and those I will have lost over my lifetime would impact me.

I remember as far back as elementary school, I had a friend named Tammy.  We were the same age I think and did a lot together, I don't remember when or how we became friends but I do remember when her family left, and I didn't have her for a friend anymore.  It seems a short time after that my family left the state we were living in to another.  I was not sad, I had no friend.  The little kids that I went to school with were not sad either, I heard them cheer when they saw the moving van at my house as they walk home from school the day we moved from there.  1 friend gained, 1 friend lost, 1 notch off the self esteem belt...

We moved many more times over the years and I can only say that most of the time it was just like I described in the last paragraph, lots of nervous optimism, some friends, lots of boy crushes, but most of the time all that would end with a move to somewhere new.  When I was teenager I gained 2 or 3 good girl friends, and 1 just friend boy that I still have as friends.  Boat loads of lessons on how to be or not be, act or not act in any and all situations.  I would say I have lost a lot of friends over time, but due to the advent of Facebook I've actually found a lot of people I used to know, but who are now friends, AND mature grown ups. New out look on friends and the idiocy of maturity and growing up ... many friends gained,
self esteem, bah, who cares.....

This month I lost a friend to death.  The reason is not known.  Her and I had a common life experience, and we spoke occasionally about it.  We spoke about love, and about hate, because the commonality we shared was experienced like that for us.  We both shared the up and down chaos, smiles and heart ache of brain injuries.  She of her husbands brain injury related to an accident, and my son's brain injury related to birth. 
While I choose not to speculate about my friend, I do know when brain injuries are concerned, the physically affected are not the only casualty.  My love and every ounce of healing energy I can muster goes to her family.  I know there are angels that carry many of us over the heaping pile of brokenness, anger, sadness, and heartache related to this sort of unforeseen event in life. 

As I began this post I said today is my friends birthday.  I am sad she is "gone" to me now. But really there are so many that are gone now, and it's OK, because I got to learn all those lessons.  My aches aren't less but I do see the big picture so much better now.  And now I am wishing for one more angel to watch over me and mine....Happy Birthday S.  I love you T.  Take care both of you.