Today is January 20th. One of the best friends I've ever had was born today. I used to buy her a gift every year, which for me in not an easy task. I'd fret and fear over it being perfect, something she would love, some thing tasteful, not cheep or cheesy. The last time I saw her was in a store, I broke into tears because I missed who we used to be. Both of our lives have changed though and we've moved on. This morning I left a quick Happy Birthday on her Facebook page. I noticed that she is also friends with my ex husbands new wife. which is OK, he deserves to have happiness. The bite there is that my friendship with S. is now another causality, the last few years experiences. My ex got custody I guess.
Of course I know that losses are a part of life and that as I choose this over that I choose to gain or lose certain things. The scale of gain and loss seems a bit unequal much of the time. There is no way to know how great the impact of the things I've gained and those I will have lost over my lifetime would impact me.
I remember as far back as elementary school, I had a friend named Tammy. We were the same age I think and did a lot together, I don't remember when or how we became friends but I do remember when her family left, and I didn't have her for a friend anymore. It seems a short time after that my family left the state we were living in to another. I was not sad, I had no friend. The little kids that I went to school with were not sad either, I heard them cheer when they saw the moving van at my house as they walk home from school the day we moved from there. 1 friend gained, 1 friend lost, 1 notch off the self esteem belt...
We moved many more times over the years and I can only say that most of the time it was just like I described in the last paragraph, lots of nervous optimism, some friends, lots of boy crushes, but most of the time all that would end with a move to somewhere new. When I was teenager I gained 2 or 3 good girl friends, and 1 just friend boy that I still have as friends. Boat loads of lessons on how to be or not be, act or not act in any and all situations. I would say I have lost a lot of friends over time, but due to the advent of Facebook I've actually found a lot of people I used to know, but who are now friends, AND mature grown ups. New out look on friends and the idiocy of maturity and growing up ... many friends gained,
self esteem, bah, who cares.....
This month I lost a friend to death. The reason is not known. Her and I had a common life experience, and we spoke occasionally about it. We spoke about love, and about hate, because the commonality we shared was experienced like that for us. We both shared the up and down chaos, smiles and heart ache of brain injuries. She of her husbands brain injury related to an accident, and my son's brain injury related to birth.
While I choose not to speculate about my friend, I do know when brain injuries are concerned, the physically affected are not the only casualty. My love and every ounce of healing energy I can muster goes to her family. I know there are angels that carry many of us over the heaping pile of brokenness, anger, sadness, and heartache related to this sort of unforeseen event in life.
As I began this post I said today is my friends birthday. I am sad she is "gone" to me now. But really there are so many that are gone now, and it's OK, because I got to learn all those lessons. My aches aren't less but I do see the big picture so much better now. And now I am wishing for one more angel to watch over me and mine....Happy Birthday S. I love you T. Take care both of you.