Thoughts

OK so I haven't been blogging so much, but I'm here now. I really gotta wonder why people in the world are so selfish. Maybe I'm selfish too. It's been a difficult couple of weeks. I want my 2 boys Mitch and Sam to spend time with me. During the week is better than the weekends as all they want to do and the weekend is "hang out" with their buddies. Not being allowed that time with them is causing some extreme grief for me. The ex and his wife want to control the boys time...thinking that it's better to have consistency.....I'm pretty sure that the chaotic lifestyle that goes on for them is NOT consistent. Well, I've talked to an attorney....still considering what is in the greatest good.

Max....my little boy....we are working on his placement into a home type environment. This is in the greatest good. I am grateful for Tony's wife on this matter, she is doing the leg work and I get to tag along. I was thinking about some of the comments I've heard from Brenda concerning his care, and the difficulty she is having with it. She's been dealing with it for maybe a year....I dealt with it for 7 years or so....hmmm....my way of dealing with it was sadly not so positive. But really he's just the same as he was for me, only he's taller and stronger. I know the difficulty and I know the anxiety that comes along with his care. No one gets that. It feels over whelming and sad to know that I had no skills to cope with him. I shut it all out. I turned to other things. I ran away. How does a mom do that? I love Anthony, Jill, Mitchel, Sam and Max more that ever.

There are times when I wonder why I had kids. Was I ever a good parent. OK so no good/bad game. It is what it is...it was HELL, and I only just survived in it. If it's true that our lives are a test then it could be said that I have failed.

I AM a powerful, beautiful, peaceful, open woman of light!