Fall Funny

Ahhh....I love Fall....it's my favorite time of year.

Sad News

I'm sad. My first celebrity crush has died at age 57, from pancreatic cancer. I fell in love with him when he was Orry Mane on the long ago television movie North and South. He was so handsome and was such a perfect southern gentleman. He could ride a horse, loved his mama, loved his northern friend unconditionally, and fought for the ideals he believed to be correct. PERSONAL NOTE...I do not subscribe to the mentality that many southerners do, which is, THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN....and don't care for Mama's boys in general. I also loved the movie he did with Wesly Snipes, Julie Nemar, WooTangChoo or something like that.
I did love Patrick, I was so excited to go the Dirty Dancing. What about that clay scene in Ghost, as well as the last time he got to hold Demi Moore (Molly) before he left for heaven, those are among the my most favorite love scenes.
I loved that he was a ballet dancer. He was so manly and yet could pull off the delicateness and strength of ballet. He remained married to his wife, and didn't get caught up in the Hollywood thing as far as I could tell.
What a sad day....even if it was just a silly school girl crush.

...last thing I remember....

This is crazy...I just turned 45...yep that's right 45. That's only 5 years till 50!!! I can just imagine the tall hill I'm perched on....I'm gonna end up on the bottom of it sooner than I want to....YIKES!!! Frequently there are patients that come to the hospital, they're 43, or 44, or maybe 47. They ALL look old...I AM NOT OLD...am I?? Please don't tell me that. I remember when my mom was around 35 and I thought to myself, of course, my Mom is old(even young girls know not to say that stuff to an "older" woman). Now I'm 10 years older that that, and I'm sure I'm not old. OK so I do feel old. That's the trouble with getting older...the pain...not the mental anguish, and drama of it all...just the physical aches and pains that are starting to creep in. Holding all that stress of life in the right side of my neck, the injuries of activities that were much easier 10 or 15 years ago. The uncomfortable feeling of a HOT FLASH...ya I said hot flash. Old people are ending their careers, heck I just graduated from college less that 5 years ago. I'm just starting out. I haven't had enough time to learn everything, I haven't figured out all the stuff I'm supposed to do...I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH RETIREMENT!!!!! On the bright side...I still don't wear glasses. I didn't say I didn't need or or even that that I didn't have a pair, I just said I still don't WEAR them. They are where I can get them if I NEED them, right in my purse buried underneath a lot of other things in there I don't need either...I keep them "just in case". I still have young kids, and NO .... hear me NO grand kids, yet. I don't even have daughters in law or a son in law yet. **Oh, now that stress spot in my neck is starting to flair up.** I have good hearing still, just ask my kids...they will tell you I can hear everything. (mostly the stuff they don't want me to hear...LoL) I haven't gone crazy yet, that's a plus, for me and everyone around me. I'm more patient. I have a better sense of the people in my life, I get what's important to get, and what just doesn't matter. I don't care anymore about being popular, or that I keep up with the Jones, or that I don't fit in with the church ladies. Wisdom is what I've gotten from this age........here's to greater wisdom.....but let's slow down on the age.

Thoughts

OK so I haven't been blogging so much, but I'm here now. I really gotta wonder why people in the world are so selfish. Maybe I'm selfish too. It's been a difficult couple of weeks. I want my 2 boys Mitch and Sam to spend time with me. During the week is better than the weekends as all they want to do and the weekend is "hang out" with their buddies. Not being allowed that time with them is causing some extreme grief for me. The ex and his wife want to control the boys time...thinking that it's better to have consistency.....I'm pretty sure that the chaotic lifestyle that goes on for them is NOT consistent. Well, I've talked to an attorney....still considering what is in the greatest good.

Max....my little boy....we are working on his placement into a home type environment. This is in the greatest good. I am grateful for Tony's wife on this matter, she is doing the leg work and I get to tag along. I was thinking about some of the comments I've heard from Brenda concerning his care, and the difficulty she is having with it. She's been dealing with it for maybe a year....I dealt with it for 7 years or so....hmmm....my way of dealing with it was sadly not so positive. But really he's just the same as he was for me, only he's taller and stronger. I know the difficulty and I know the anxiety that comes along with his care. No one gets that. It feels over whelming and sad to know that I had no skills to cope with him. I shut it all out. I turned to other things. I ran away. How does a mom do that? I love Anthony, Jill, Mitchel, Sam and Max more that ever.

There are times when I wonder why I had kids. Was I ever a good parent. OK so no good/bad game. It is what it is...it was HELL, and I only just survived in it. If it's true that our lives are a test then it could be said that I have failed.

I AM a powerful, beautiful, peaceful, open woman of light!