Saving Myself...Really

Sooo

2011-10-09T15:14:00.000-06:00

I'm just wondering if anyone has missed me?

I just today...yea I know about the grammatical problem there...got me a new fangled wireless keyboard for my IPad...YEA!!!

So glad to be back in the blog world...that is if I can thing of anything to blog about now...

XOXO

It's Only a Holiday

2011-02-14T10:26:00.004-07:00

I have a love hate relationship with Valentine's Day. I used to celebrate it with zeal. I used to think it was so fun.
When I was in elementary school I would save the best Valentine cards for the the kids I liked the best. I only really remember one boy named Jamie that I liked. I went through all my little cards and choose the very best one for him.
In my memory my family didn't really "celebrate" Valentine's Day with something special. Sometimes we would deliver Valentines to our friends door steps, ring the door bell and run away. That was fun, I remember hoping that our door bell would ring, it did sometimes. I don't think this is a tradition for kids anymore, kinda sad I think.
When I was first married, I was a cake decorator at the local grocery store, where we lived. I worked every Valentine's Day, all day, very, very, long hours, making wedding cakes, and other special orders for the love struck of the community. Any idea how much food coloring it takes to make the correct color of red??? My hands were always stained red for days.
When I was in college, the guy I was dating, picked Valentine's Day to kiss me for the first time. He later became my husband. We sort of used Valentine's Day as an anniversary of sorts. We got engaged on Valentine's Day. (there might be a separate post about that, for levity's sake...) We celebrated that day with gifts, I even bought him a motorcycle one year. He loved it and we both rode it for fun and necessity. We are divorced.
I'm not sure how to feel about Valentine's Day now. Do I just stop remembering? Do I ignore it? Do I celebrate it in spite of the ambiguity I feel for it? Should I just make it though the day as I have for many years now?
I have someone new to love and I do love him with all I am, I know he loves equally as much. I have 5 children that I love with all my heart. I have 8 siblings, and their spouses and their kids that I love. I have parents that I love. I have extended family that I love. So is Valentine's Day about who I love, or about the experiences of love? Is it about tangible gifts or gifts of the heart? Is it a day that we must express love, or celebrate love, or fall in love?
For me when Valentine's Day approaches, I of course remember the past. I remember the dread of working so long, and so hard, and how red and stained my hands were. I also remember looking to a future. Of course then I never anticipated the bumpy, winding, curving, nauseating road to the present. I never thought about the joys and heartaches that come from the experience of loving. I never thought that as I worked long and hard to please everyone in my world, that I would crumble and break, and how I would scar. Deep red scars that are permanent, but gratefully have begun to fade over time.
So I have a relationship with a holiday, I love it, and I mostly hate it. It is what it is, a Holiday, now what?

Monday, Monday...So Good to Me...

2011-01-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

Unlike the rest of the world I USUALLY don't work on Monday. It just the way my master schedule is and I really like it that way. Yes, I have a full time job. I work three twelve hour shifts a week.

That's right work three days, off four days. Seems great huh? Heck that's one of the reasons I thought it would be great to pursue nursing as a career. "Wow", I thought, nurses only work three days a week. I could work full time and still be a mom. Little did I know that three days a week, three twelve hour days a week, might kill me.
I'm really not complaining, I have a great job, in a great hospital, in a great unit, working with some great people....it's...GREAT!!!

My favorite part of being and registered nurse, is connecting with the people I take care of. Most of them are older...that's as in older than me, not old...most of them are hilarious, some of them are grumpy and a few are cantankerous. However my relationship with my patients starts out, it my goal to see a smile on every face at least once a day. If I can create that then the first step to a connection is born. Rare is the person that can resist my bad jokes, or off tune singing of what ever song is stuck in my head for the day. Their smiles usually show pretty quick. The best is when there is witty banter with other staff. Last week I had just such an experience.....(thought cloud ... Cut to scene ... Generic cardiac ICU hospital room ... Somewhere USA...)

Back Info: After a person has open heart surgery it's important to get them up and moving. Cardiac Rehab is the program that assists the patients to get moving after their surgery. This is a twice daily event.

So on Friday afternoon, Wgirl, & Ken Doll(Cardiac Rehab team)and myself, were getting the patient ready to ambulate,(that means walk in nursy language) Wgirl rehab extraordinaire ..was singing a song I am unfamiliar with. I stated I didn't know that song and she said to me, "Do you ever listen to current music?" Hmmm...I thought...well..I'm sure I do...I said to Wgirl, "Why, of course I do, last week I was listening to Lean Like a Cholo." (another story for another blog post...)Any whoo...my little patient shared that he liked The Four Freshmen, and I of course, had to belt out something about...doooowhooop,whoop... the patient got it, Wgril and Ken Doll were looking at me like I was insane. Then the old Song Tammy came to mind and I asked the patient if he remember that one. He did, I was gaining popularity with the patient. I asked him if the Four Freshman had gone to his alum-a-mater(spell checker fail?). He or his wife said I was mistaken that that was the The Lettermen. I was a rock-star now with my patient because I knew some of his songs, and a couple of groups. I could relate...and I could sing...ok attempt to sing a couple of 50's do-ooop's, and part of a sappy ballad about a girl named Tammy. All the while I was thinking...current music?? Dang my age is showing...

I know current music. My I-pod has everything from classical to rap and everything in between. I don't love jazz, but I do like Nora Jones and Jason Marz who are sort of jazzy??? Then I thought, "Who cares because I just made my patient smile", we connected through the 50's do-oop music that I listened to when I was younger.

I really do have a great job, and my "little old people" as I secretly call them are my favorite. They make me smile every day.

Last week one of my favorite nursing home patient's passed away. Her name was Minnie. She once told me she, "loved me daily"...and then an hour later referred to me as as..."a bitch". I choose to remember that with love and humor, and I'm sure she did think I was a bitch, and love me daily...she just didn't know who I was, and that doesn't matter to me, because I knew who she was. She touched my heart as so many of the people I get to know on a short term basis do.

I may or may not listen to "current" music, I may or may not love working 12 hour shifts, at perfect or not so perfect job...BUT, I LOVE what I do, the people I meet, the people I've learned to care for, the people who touch my life, and most of all I love Mondays off!

Midweek News

2011-01-26T22:13:00.002-07:00

Some news....

I am an American Idol fan...

Some more news...

Tonight (I think) I will be a sort of step grandparent. Oddly I'm sort of excited, after all it is Doug that will actually be that grandpa....
So far there has not been any new of feet and toes ....
Well here's some news ... Her name is Addison. That's cute isn't it?
Last bit of news, I'm typing under the influence of sleeping pills...I promise nothing is going to make sense, and tomorrow I'm gonna laugh about this post....
Good Night John Boy, and Mary Ellen ..... Etc.

It's bugging me ...

2011-01-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

I've got to post a bump so that the last post doesn't take up the whole screen.
So......

Here's the BUMP!!!!

Just for good measure I wanted to add that sometimes people are exactly what I expect them to be....

And I got out if bed today hooray for me, cuz I really wanted to stay there today!!!

LOVE AND LIGHT!!!!

2011-01-23T09:42:00.004-07:00

Words are not necessary....I am "trying" to think of something poignant to post but this video says it all.

All of us are individuals...Love, Light and Peace to all...

Casualities

2011-01-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

Today is January 20th. One of the best friends I've ever had was born today. I used to buy her a gift every year, which for me in not an easy task. I'd fret and fear over it being perfect, something she would love, some thing tasteful, not cheep or cheesy. The last time I saw her was in a store, I broke into tears because I missed who we used to be. Both of our lives have changed though and we've moved on. This morning I left a quick Happy Birthday on her Facebook page. I noticed that she is also friends with my ex husbands new wife. which is OK, he deserves to have happiness. The bite there is that my friendship with S. is now another causality, the last few years experiences. My ex got custody I guess.

Of course I know that losses are a part of life and that as I choose this over that I choose to gain or lose certain things. The scale of gain and loss seems a bit unequal much of the time. There is no way to know how great the impact of the things I've gained and those I will have lost over my lifetime would impact me.

I remember as far back as elementary school, I had a friend named Tammy. We were the same age I think and did a lot together, I don't remember when or how we became friends but I do remember when her family left, and I didn't have her for a friend anymore. It seems a short time after that my family left the state we were living in to another. I was not sad, I had no friend. The little kids that I went to school with were not sad either, I heard them cheer when they saw the moving van at my house as they walk home from school the day we moved from there. 1 friend gained, 1 friend lost, 1 notch off the self esteem belt...

We moved many more times over the years and I can only say that most of the time it was just like I described in the last paragraph, lots of nervous optimism, some friends, lots of boy crushes, but most of the time all that would end with a move to somewhere new. When I was teenager I gained 2 or 3 good girl friends, and 1 just friend boy that I still have as friends. Boat loads of lessons on how to be or not be, act or not act in any and all situations. I would say I have lost a lot of friends over time, but due to the advent of Facebook I've actually found a lot of people I used to know, but who are now friends, AND mature grown ups. New out look on friends and the idiocy of maturity and growing up ... many friends gained,
self esteem, bah, who cares.....

This month I lost a friend to death. The reason is not known. Her and I had a common life experience, and we spoke occasionally about it. We spoke about love, and about hate, because the commonality we shared was experienced like that for us. We both shared the up and down chaos, smiles and heart ache of brain injuries. She of her husbands brain injury related to an accident, and my son's brain injury related to birth.
While I choose not to speculate about my friend, I do know when brain injuries are concerned, the physically affected are not the only casualty. My love and every ounce of healing energy I can muster goes to her family. I know there are angels that carry many of us over the heaping pile of brokenness, anger, sadness, and heartache related to this sort of unforeseen event in life.

As I began this post I said today is my friends birthday. I am sad she is "gone" to me now. But really there are so many that are gone now, and it's OK, because I got to learn all those lessons. My aches aren't less but I do see the big picture so much better now. And now I am wishing for one more angel to watch over me and mine....Happy Birthday S. I love you T. Take care both of you.

Warning!! I Have Broken Out the Big Word..

2010-12-15T17:34:00.002-07:00

I have never tried butternut squash soup, today I did, and it was just like eating a lovely bowl of Christmas. Warm, and flavorful, smooth and creamy, just a delicious new treat for me.
I haven't really been into the holidays this year. I'm working on that, but truthfully I'm just wanting the time to pass so I can move on to my next celebration, Martin Luther King Day, or Civil Right's Day or what ever is politically correct now. Just for the record I am usually ticked on MLK Day because the Utah Legislature goes into session that day. They take off for some other really dumb stuff, but not for
THE day that celebrates equality. I know I've sort of been on an equality kick for a while, but I really feel it's an important issue. It's not just about race or gender, or sexual preference for me it's about loving all people.
I was an odd child, and I was made fun of and I hated it. Until I was 14 I lived "in the mission field" so I used to blame it on the religion I was raised in but I'm not so sure anymore of the reason. Maybe it was just because I was too straight, or too quiet, or too loud, or too short or too young looking or... I could go on and on. My mom used to say it was because I was too pretty and that others were jealous. Thanks mom, but it wasn't that either.
I remember really "trying" to be good as in "follow the prophet, follow the prophet, follow the prophet don't go astra-ay") good. When I was in the 7th grade I was just such a girl for a while, then I discovered boys and fun. I found out that I could talk to them easily and they would listen to me. (That, was because I was pretty, mom) I learned that holding hands was OK, and that if a guy put his arm around me, it was not cool to pretend I had a sun burn because I was embarrassed, or uncomfortable. I learned that teenagers listened to Elton John and Ki Ki Dee, and The Carpenters, and The Captain and Tennille and not Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, George Jones, and Tammy Wynette. I learned that dancing was fun, and that girls should wear cute bikini underwear...not white waist highs...and that if a girl wore said white waist high underwear other girls would laugh at me, as we changed for PE. (Which is also a laughable event, changing for PE...) Also, girls should not let their mother's dress them in Winnie the Pooh separates in Junior High School, even if they fit and are cute...(not a laughable event).
So, anyway I was a good girl, but I was not popular. I didn't care if I was the most popular or anything, I just wanted to have a girl-friend or two (boys were easy to be friends with, cuz I was cute, Mom). The girls I went to church with were the ones that I "thought" would be my friends, but ahhh NO!! That was not to be. One day as I was walking home with my friend Scotty, (who is still my friend today) I noticed that the popular Mormon girls were ahead of us. They were walking with some other popular girls and I heard one of the Mormon girls yell out the "F" word...Now I didn't hear that word much, and I wasn't sure so I asked Scott if that was what she had said and he said yep she said "Fuck". Whaaat????? She's a MORMON!!!!! I admit I was in judgment there but I just thought that we were not supposed to talk like that, but, lo and behold here is the biggest "naughty word" you can say coming out of her nice little Mormon mouth...I was amazed, and then I was mad. I was trying to fit in by being "good" so that I would have friends that shared my same values, and all the time it wasn't true at all. I lost a lot of faith that day. I also learned a lot then too. I learned that people are not always honest, that they will show the side they need to, to be accepted. I learned that hypocrisy was still alive and well. I also learned that it didn't matter what I did. I needed to do what everyone else did to fit in, so I did. I still wasn't popular, I still didn't have many friends, and I was still sad a lot because of it. I learned that people judge and are harsh if to those that don't fit the mold.
That brings me back to MLK and Equal Rights Day. People are harsh and we judge those that don't fit in the mold. No matter what a person does to "try" to fit in. I read a lot of blogs that share this same philosophy. Some label the offender, but to be honest, I don't know a soul who doesn't judge a little here and there. It's human nature to compare and make a judgment based on experiences or feelings. I'm just wondering if at some point we can just be accountable for that and forgive ourselves and move on. I'm sure it's over done but Gandhi's quote, is so applicable here.

~~"BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD"~~

I AM

ARE YOU??

Just a side note...where did that come from all I wanted to share was that I had a delicious bowl of Christmas today!!!

MANKIND IS NO ISLAND - Tropfest NY 2008 Winner

2010-11-30T20:30:00.001-07:00

I saw this on another blog, and pilfered the idea...had to share...be thankful...Love you Blog world

Not that I need to know, but....

2010-11-02T10:52:00.000-06:00

The other day while I was at work a family member of my patient said this to me. "Not that I need to know, but are you LDS?" My reply was .. "Well, I don't know. (Pause) I used to be." To which she began to ramble on about on well we love you anyway, and started to share a story about a friend of hers that isn't LDS or Mormon, and how much she loved her "anyway" too...WTF!!! I was annoyed. Really, I've had a lot of people ask me that question, but I've never had a person react like that to my reply.
I've been wondering, if maybe I was the problem because I really haven't figured out how to answer that question anymore. I used to say yes, because I was a TBM. Then I was inactive so I'd still say yes, and occasionally move on to more conversation about the Mormon church and why I was inactive, if I was so inclined. Now that I am considering resigning my membership in the church it feels hypocritical to say yes, even though officially I am still a member.
That is one of the biggest reasons I want to resign, well other than not believing it anymore, DUH. I can't not believe in the church, and still say I am a member. Hypocrisy is the biggest turn off for me. I have never wanted to BE someone on the outside, when on the inside I am thinking and feeling something totally different. In fact, I'm sure that pretending to be the person I wasn't played a huge part in my divorce, and frankly in the relationship I had with my ex's family. I just refused to pretend that my shit didn't stink in front of them and it just didn't jive well.
I don't ask people what religion they are. I have a friend that had moved to Utah, from the North East. Her name is Mary and she was of a faith other than the predominant one here. One day she and I were chatting after the city celebration parade, and the Mormon missionaries came up behind us. They boldly asked us, "Are you members of the church?" I said I was, because at the time I was TBM, but Mary's response was classic and it was the best example I have ever seen of showing a person how offensive it was to her to be asked that question. She turned to the young elders and said, "Which Church are you asking me about? I do belong to a church, and if you want to know I am Lutheran and I attend that church down the road. When you blindly ask if I am a member of "the church" you must state which church or religion that is, because there are hundreds of churches and religions in the world, young men." I was clapping inside and smiling on the outside...way to go Mary!!
Even though I was TBM, my life has always been filled with people from all walks of life. I may have shared my story about being 5 and asking my mom to go to catechism with my other 5 year old friend, but I'm sharing it again because it really shaped a part of who I am and why I have always "tried" to be open to everyone. So like I said when I was 5 I had a friend, and at that time of my life friends were hard to come by. I was sure it was because I was a Mormon living in Montana, but that's never been proven. My friend invited me to catechism, and not caring or know what catechism was I innocently asked my mom if I could go with my friend to it. Her response was, "No, you can't go, but you are welcome to invite her to Primary with us." My 5 year old mind was confused. Huh? Why? I just wanted to be with my friend. As I remember there was some discussion later in the evening as to why, but I don't have those details memorized, so I'll skip that. So there you go my first lesson on hypocrisy. I experienced a few more of these lessons in my life but that is the one I remember being first. Because of that experience I make sure that people know I have no judgment for what they believe and that I am interested in learning more about it, if they are willing to share.
I mentioned living in Montana when I was 5, and I have lived in a lot of other places that were not predominately Mormon, so I know what it feels like to be the odd man out, so to speak. I learned to grab a friend when a friend was willing. I didn't care what religion they were, or what color their skin was, or how much money their parents made. In fact I grew up around a lot of people with money and it didn't make then any nicer than anyone else. As I have grown in to an adult I have learned to embrace all the differences around me even more and love them. I even embrace the religion I am leaving because it has taught me many of the lessons of my life, and I would not be who I am with out it. BUT PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO NOT SAY YOU LOVE ME "ANYWAY" WHEN YOU FIND OUT I AM NOT A MEMBER OF "THE CHURCH"... Amen..?

What If

2010-10-15T10:51:00.000-06:00

I've been reading a lot lately about the LBGT community and Boyd K Packer's talk in the recent General Conference. I know that all religions take a stand for moral ideas and that is what works for them. I'm sure that if there were no moral "rules" then our world would be even more slimy and barbaric. The treatment of women and children would be outrageous and it's even possible that people would never own their voice to change the situation.
Look at the past, the Holocaust, what happens in the Sudan, in Afghanistan, and Iraq. There are so many that have no voice. Look at America, the children that are raised with morals that tell them they must protect their "territory" with violence, or that it's OK to kill to right a wrong. There are women and men that are pushed around and bullied by their spouses, or their parents. I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that there is good news in it all.
The good new is that every one that I know has a voice. (and that's like..well, a whole bunch..) They can stand up and say NO! I don't agree with what you said, or I don't get why this is happening let's fix it. Even better news is that once someone stands up to the plate, others will follow.
Boyd K Packer gets to say how he feels, the church he belongs to influences his morals and therefore others will follow him. That is good new for them.
The good news for me is that I can see a million other people that have been taught a moral position that may or may not agree with BKP, but they are willing to stand for PEOPLE...Someone gets to stand up for People. Look at history. If someone had allowed Hitler to continue would anyone in the world know a Jew? If there continues to be a moral bludgeoning of Gays, Lesbians, Bisexual, or Transgendered people will my great grandchildren know some one who is LBG or T? Sure it seems far fetched, but what if?
I'm just wondering if we all just learned to just LOVE PEOPLE, what would happen. Love is light, acceptance, and truth. It is peace. It does not include judgment or harsh words. It doesn't limit a persons morality. It is just what it is Love.

I LOVE PEOPLE WHAT IF EVERYONE DID?

Wilson

2010-10-10T11:16:00.001-06:00

Over there on the side of my blog I have made a list that says "Great reads I've shared with Wilson."
Is anyone wondering who he is? I would if I were reading this blog so I thought I'd share.
Wilson is my Nook. It's a Barnes and Noble e book reader. I got it from TD from Christmas last year. It's probably my favorite Christmas present ever.
I named him Wilson because TD had order it way in advance and Barnes and Noble had sold out, so they were scrambling to get all the orders out before the holiday. TD told me that it was scheduled to get here on Christmas Eve, so he was getting nervous. He was joking about the movie Cast Away. Somehow that deteriorated in to a discussion about Wilson. We laughed about it most of the day. The Nook did get here on time late afternoon on Christmas Eve.

Nooks have names. I didn't know that but, when I was reading the directions it said to name my nook, at first I went for a girls name Molly (which is another funny story it won't subject you to). But then I was thinking about it and said to myself...uh...what the heck...I should...I will call him Wilson. It just seemed to fit him so much better.

I spend lots of time sitting in the blob reading books. The blob is a huge bean bag chair that TD got for Christmas that just seems to continue growing. I don't think it's stopped yet and it's almost Christmas again The blob is really comfortable, but it also tricks me in to falling asleep. So sometimes I sleep in the blob with Wilson...TD doesn't even care...

Love and Light Everyone!!!

Once in a Lifetime

2010-10-10T10:29:00.001-06:00

Today is 10/10/10 so I am posting for history's sake.

I read somewhere that it only happens every 1000 years.

I did not check that fact though only because I don't want to do the math.

I just choose to believe the internet this time...

Enjoy your once in a life time day!!!!

Love and Light

Sunrise in Sedona

2010-10-06T19:15:00.005-06:00

Overlook from the Airport

Some Quail at Sunrise

Lots of pics of the sunrise but I can't pick so you get them all...or well most of them anyway....

My Trip

2010-10-06T19:00:00.000-06:00

I took a wonderful trip to Sedona Arizona with some friends that I share similar life experiences with. Can I just say what a beautiful place it is. It is a contradiction in landscapes. There are huge red rocks that jut out of the land, there are white rock canyons, and calm beautiful streams that wind through it all. This is the view from my hotel..

The first place that we visited was what I call the most perfect swimming hole. The scenery heading to the swimming hole is of course gorgeous. There is a beautiful sky high red rock in the distance. I never made it there because I found the swimming hole and didn't want to leave. Walking up the path to a group of trees it seemed as if it was going to be a long haul, but of course with the scenery. Just past the trees there it was the perfect swimming hole. It looked like the stream was coming from the red rock and as it reached the spot just through the trees it spilled over into more red flat rocks that were just at ground level. Then the water fell over the end of these rocks into the most calm, peaceful, clean pool of water with a small beach on one side and then the outlet to allow the water to continue down stream. I could have sat there all day. I did slip on the ground level flat rocks and got all wet which was fine. The flat rocks also made a slide into the pool. What a great place...The Perfect Swimming Hole...Yahoo!!! I didn't get very good pictures of the pool because I was afraid to take my phone/camera out there since I had fallen once already but here's the idea.

Destination number two I can only describe as Magical. Again it seemed like the day would be miserable and hot but I was mistaken again. We drove about 10 miles up a canyon and found where we were to park. We started hiking down the path and wow, everything just started to open up. First we walked through an area that had old buildings on it. They were almost all gone but there were a few things left. An old house, a barn or maybe even another house, and a cave inside a rock. Apple trees that were obviously spaced for farming, and open fields that may have been for fields of other crops. A way down the path it was more like a forest. Just in the forest like trees, was a canyon of white and red sheer rocks straight to the sky, and meandering through that was the same stream of water from the day before. It was cool and shady and the stream was calling me to follow it. Then I found out why. The water had carved out areas underneath the rocks. These areas were beautiful. The were crystal clear water pools. (I'm just not a thesaurus of words today) Smooth and cool. Rocks and boulders that had fallen from above poked out of the water. It is so hard to describe such a beautiful place. Here's some pics...

Day Three was the dry day. Hiked in the sun and really dispite how beautiful it was I was dehydrated before 10 minutes had passed. So I just took a lot of pictures of the flowers and cactus. I want a do over there because I have an affinity for rocks but my body wasn't going to let me that day. Bell Rock was the first visit I got some good pics of it and the area around it. Snoopy what the last place we visited. You can see him in the distance. Great energy there...

Shopping in Sedona was terrific!! I'm not a shopper but I got a few nice things at a crystal shop, and an art show that was in town for the weekend.

I loved Sedona and I will go there again...

Oh I forgot about the sunrise, I'll post the pics next....

Short Update

2010-09-29T18:42:00.000-06:00

The last few weeks have been very busy. I went on a short jaunt to Idaho to meet TD's family, and then I went to the most beautiful place in the world..(ok that may be an exaggeration)..Sedona, Arizona. Talked TD into cooking for the employee end of summer party, and frantically read The Hunger Games series in my spare time. Whaaa Hooo...now I'm back to dealing with reality, and all of it's well ... fun? I plan on posting more about the trip to Idaho and to Sedona but I get to figure out how to down load pictures off my phone first. I know there are a ton of people out there waiting with breath baited...

2010-09-13T23:13:00.002-06:00

Hate....is a very strong emotion....I am feeling it from the tip of my toes to the smallest micro-vessels in my brain....When I am feeling hate there is nothing that will fix it for now. I will feel it and it will hurt and I will cry, and cry and cry....
This particular hate has come as at such a inopportune time. A time when I was going to spend seeking greater inner peace for me. My goal to leave all the shit, the turmoil behind me, is always halted by this one miserable f***ing hate. Peace eludes me yet again...I see the easier it get the more elusive it is. This is on me, it must be.
I get nothing about this hatefulness, the need to control, to say YOU WILL do it my way. Well Hate you can have it all, you already took the best parts of me anyway...
I have worked it every way I can and still I Hate...why? You can ask, well just love, but when it's dead, love that is, how does it resurrect? I doesn't it's gone, and I am left with Hate, and sorrow, fear, anger, frustration.

I know love, I know love very well. I experience it every day. This love has also known hate, but is risking to love me, and am risking to love him. If just a portion of the love I know could go to that one Hate...it could work, but really will it, or will it suck up all the joy and the caring, and knowing, and turn into more Hate.
I know the loves that I bore into the world. I love them with all I am. My love will not heal them, they must love themselves to heal....but I'm here to BE my word and stand for them and love them along their journey..

I AM a powerful, beautiful, peaceful, open woman of light....

I AM am the living Light, Light, Light,
I AM the presence of God I AM
I AM the open door which NO man can shut
I AM here, I AM there, I AM the only presence everywhere!!

I AM Love
I AM Peace
I AM Beautiful
I AM that I AM.........

Part of my story...

2010-09-13T14:22:00.003-06:00

I saw this post in my drafts and wondered why it was there and I read through it. I have no idea when I wrote this, I messed the date up when I edited it. I must have been around the first of the year though...I was an angry girl.. Not sure what I was angry about but..since I'm not hiding who I am...I'm posting it...WOW...was I angry...

I am a 45 y.o. previously very active, raised in the LDS church, woman. I am the oldest of 9 kids, I never thought I was smart. I graduated from high school with a B average, but not from Seminary as I was so behind in school I "couldn't" take it (seminary) my SR. year...not that I was all broken up, but I think my parents were. I was always saying during HS that I wanted to be a cosmetologist, or a Interior Decorator (which I found I sucked at..LOL). I was also very interested in science, nursing, psychology, and crime. I just thought I was not smart enough or strong enough for any of that. So in May 1982 when I graduated, I went to work for my dad, no one said hey, daughter would you like to go to this cosmetology school or check in to this or that, that schools were not in to that like now or at least I never knew about that...So I just figured I'd party for the summer and work, and see what happened...maybe save money...buy a car and move out...bla bla...fantasies .. with that money I made @ 2.10 an hr...HA HA...
Well one day my Dad, said hey your friend Cathy is going to Rick College, would you like to go and be her roommate..well OK I say...great...I packed my stuff, and went Rexbug (Wreckburg or Iceburg as I so fondly remember it) Got in the dorm and met my roomies. That was it. No tour, no schedule making (I didn't even know I had to do that) just, we'll see you on the weekends or holidays...we got other kids to raise, you are at one of the Lord's schools so you'll be fine...bla bla... (In hind sight, I know my parent were doing the best they could...)
I was not disciplined, I didn't go to bed at night, I slept all day, I didn't go to class, I failed my first year of college, but I did met my future ex husband!!!! I loved the boy I met, just perfectly cute and just rebellious enough for me. Well, being at the Lord's school he some how found God and decided to go on a mission. My parent's LOVED him...they wanted us to get married. After the future ex left for his mission I started dated my High School love...of course Satan had sent him...to distract me from future ex and my dad wondered if I wanted to spend some time in Mexico with his old Mission companions family...I say OK fun...so I go, I did choose to stay for the 18 mos future ex was out (that was before your time I suppose) I came home when he came home, and we got engaged and got married. Do you see any dating or falling in love with some one or making sure future ex and I were in love or good for each other? NO!!! I just was, the way I thought it was supposed to be period...I was old though 21 he was 23...can you imagine..We stared a family soon after...I decided that I would not set a number of kids just age limit...35. I worked, future ex went to school. I was almost 23 when the oldest was born and we were on the was to happy Mormon FHE. Oh did I say that I wanted to get married in one temple, but my dad wanted me to get married in the one he did, so guess where I got married...yup...the one my dad did...I know I amaze myself at the stupidity. Ended up with 5 kids, last child was "HIS" he wanted one more not me...he begged, and I gave in. My boy was born 16 wks early and who spent all the time with him ME!!! NOT HIM!!!
So I thought I would love going to nursing school after little boy was born (great NICU experience). So I went to college, just figured it all out and went to school, while juggling the demands of 5 kids, apart time job, busy career man..and demanding church...I was the spiritual living teacher...LOL...or is that the opposite...LoL..anyway graduated in 2005 and started my career ... I was just too busy for the future ex. I didn't schedule around him anymore, I expected his assistance...he was not happy. He was important..his job, his important church calling..prominent place in the community...etc. We were divorced in 2007. My kids live with him, because I wore out, and He likes to be the best and the winner, so he is. See what happens when we don't get an education, and we don't talk about what women can do, and we think that marrying the guy our dad likes in the place our dad likes is what we are supposed to do. See what happens when raising just 4 kids isn't enough, when we have to have just 1 more...and see what happens to kids when it all falls apart??? And see what happens to the faithful that say but why can't I live with my handicapped boy, I worked hard, I love him, I love the others....why does this have to be so difficult...why would God say his mom wasn't good enough just like she is? Why would future ex threaten his ex wife with "calling her DAD" to see what he would have to say about her not wanting to get her temple recommend renewal till she answered these questions...??? There are so many more stories I could share, I'm sure others have even better ones than that...but that's mine or at least part of mine...WOMEN are important....MOM's are important....MOM who choose to have a career or important, MOM's who choose to stay at home with their kids are important...every woman that gives up one dream for a self important "RIGHTEOUS" man...is IMPORTANT, even if she is never heard, even once. Stand up for your self, be honest with your self, share your feelings, do what you know is in the highest good for you...first and foremost then takes on the rest of your life...DON'T give in...BE who you know you are.
Mindy

I saw this post in my drafts and wondered why it was there and I read through it. Hmmm....I must have written this when I was very angry about something. I'm not hiding who I am so...I'm posting it...WOW...was I angry...

9/11 Budweiser Tribute

2010-09-11T13:53:00.000-06:00

2010-08-27T10:28:00.001-06:00

I don't say much on here do I? I'm not going to promise to do better. That reminds me of when I was a kid, and would write in a Diary or and Journal. I would always say, "I am going to do better," or "I am making a goal to write every week." This was usually prompted by some church person's lesson or talk on journal keeping and the importance of writing down my experiences and feeling for the generations to come. The problem is I love writing. But, I have felt tainted about it, due to the fact that it's always been taught to me in church. Church and me are not a team anymore so I am just not so sure how to go about it all.

I have tons of things to say. I wonder though if I'm going to hurt someone by saying it. That's dumb though. This is my blog and I can say what I want. I do not blog because someone tells me to, or because I want my kids or grandkids or anyone to know about me, my life, or my experiences. I blog because I have a lot in my head and if it stays there it tends to build up and turn into drama or anger or sadness. I don't like any of those things, so I'm going to blog, or journal or what ever. I'm not making it private because I like reading other people blogs, so it's only fair that I keep mine open for others to read.

I don't think I've ever explained my blog title. Saving Myself ..... Really. About 3 or 4 years ago I learned a life changing lesson, well actually a lot of life changing lessons, but this one in particular has stuck with me. I attended a series of self mastery trainings, the second of which is where I learned this great lesson. I won't share the details, because I get that if anyone else would like to experience what I have I would ruin it for them. But I will say that for most of my life I have lived, survived, and based my happiness and well being making sure that the happiness, survival, and expectations of acquaintances and loved ones in my life were being met. So when I was faced with the fact that I would put myself last, even to death, for the well being of others, and not figuring out that I actually could the save myself, and assist others has altered my perspective greatly.

It's so easy...I get to take care of, or save myself first, or I am of no good to anyone else, period. Really, how much simpler could that have been. I was running around doing for others and ignoring my needs, and when it all came crashing down, I was beating myself up for not being able to continue as I had been. WOW!!! More about all that later...I just wanted to share the reason for my blog title..in case anyone reads it and wonders...With that I say...................BRING ON THE DAY!!!!! (or the rain as it may be)

CREATED

2010-07-23T14:20:00.000-06:00

Created to follow

to submit

to "Do Right".

What if what's "Right" isn't the same for me.

Who can say this is the only way to be true,

That it will make me free.

Love one another ....

unless they don't fit.

Unless they are worthy,

you may as well quit.

Bring in more lives,

make sure that it's clear,

line upon line till the precepts

are all taught.

Your agency is free as long as

you follow, watch them, give them the lead.

Judgment and blame it's all for a show.

Who is better, more worthy, not pointing fingers.

Behind the closed doors there is fighting and yelling.

No one says, BE who you are. I will love you the same.

That's the point of creation, don't you know, don't you see,

All of us equal.

Lady and man,

Beggar and thief.

The couple that love one another regardless of gender.

The couple that marry or not.

The couple that exchange vows in a field with wild flowers,

or in a white temple gown and eternal mirrors around.

Created Equal....it says.

Everyone has a beautiful soul.

To live with and love, to share with their other...

To BE, to create what ever they wish...

I AM, HE IS, SHE IS, THEY ARE, WE ARE.....CREATED.

Just a little writing I did the other day...maybe it's goofy but that's how I was feeling...just wanted to share..

Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"

2010-06-10T10:07:00.000-06:00

2010-05-18T08:11:00.002-06:00

2010-05-04T21:00:00.000-06:00

Some day I'm going to write something really important on here....I promise!!!

Changing Season???

2010-04-25T17:47:00.000-06:00

About time I changed that layout huh?

I'm sure that it's actually going to be Spring now...I think...

Love and Light

Another WOW...I love what she has to say......

2010-04-06T09:57:00.000-06:00

2010-02-14T16:43:00.002-07:00

I used to love Valentine's Day...a long time ago. It's been a long time since I enjoyed the hearts and flowers and the sentiments of love on this day.
This year I spent it at work, 4th day in a row. One would think that I would be grumpy or sad, but I'm not, I'm calm and joyous...(I know, but I am). I didn't get to spend the day with my guy, or my kids. But I got a real treat, Doug brought us all a delicious smoked brisket and chicken lunch. He stayed up all night and watched the smoker. He made potato salad, baked beans, rolls and grilled corn on the cob. It was so good....delicious in fact. He brought my boys along too...

2010-02-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

ESPAVO

TODAY'S REALIZATION

2010-01-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

Raising kids.....what fun!!!!

Belly Laughing.....OMG

2010-01-18T11:14:00.001-07:00

2009-12-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm.....Something to take a look at.....

Neglected Blog

2009-11-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

Oh my poor neglected blog. I look at it all the time, I imagine what I could say and what great subjects I might write about...but here sits my little blog...
So I've loved, loved, loved, Life Mastery....it's exactly what I deserve at this time of my life....
It seems my physical body is fighting with my spirit...but I get to over come that and move onward and upward...
Thanksgiving will be here soon. The kids are going to DisneyLand...Doug and I will be here....I guess we will go to Chuck's or something for dinner....I would rather do that....making Thanksgiving dinner for 2 is just silly...that holiday deserves lots of food and lots food and commotion. Next year!!!!

TGIF

2009-10-30T15:58:00.003-06:00

HA HA THIS MAKES ME LAUGH

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FRIENDS

A ROCK

2009-10-29T09:59:00.002-06:00

Attraction

They pull me toward them

Large, Flat, Angled,

Just right for laying on

Just right for gazing upon the clouds

Just right for seeing the stars

Just right for experiencing, feeling, and knowing.

Strength

They are grounded

They know their place

They know their purpose

They are resistant yet pliable

They are ever changing yet remain grand

Protection

They have a place for me to be

Their curves and crevices cradle me

They keep small flowers and grasses safe

They allow me to speak

They listen to me
They speak to me

10 TRUTHS

2009-10-26T05:49:00.007-06:00

I have learned so much in the last 3 days...it's more than I can share so I will just list some truths that I have learned.

1. God is not a religion and a religion is not God.

2. It is what it is, rise above it.

3. Rocks are powerful, safe, and provide protection.

4. Belief systems are BS (bull shit).

5. I get to work on leaving my BS in the past.

6. The lessons of my past serve me now.

7. I am not the person behind the mask.

8. I AM a powerful, beautiful, peaceful, open woman of light.

9. I have a creator, I am a creator.

10. I AM.

I am in gratitude for these truths....I am in gratitude for my angels....I am in gratitude for nature, and the answers, and assistance she gives....I am in gratitude for truth and love, trust, and God.

JUST BE!

Public Speaking

2009-10-23T06:00:00.000-06:00

I wish the great thoughts that I formulate in my head would come out of my mouth when I am asked to speak before people. I don't feel afraid, my mind just goes blank and I can't say what I've intended to. I don't like it.
Sometimes I wait for the inspiration to come, but it never does.

Laugh...

2009-10-22T09:23:00.000-06:00

Yup just what I deserved to start the day.

Fabulous Quote.....

2009-10-20T09:13:00.002-06:00

“I swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
Holocaust survivor, Elie Weisel (NIGHT)

Amazing.....that's all I have to say

2009-10-20T08:38:00.005-06:00

The Yearly Review

2009-10-19T07:36:00.003-06:00

AAAAHHHH.... The yearly evaluation, such joy, such a happiness, such warm fuzzies...? I think not. I dread evaluation. This year was no different. I got to the bosses office, and waited for the previous person to finish, entered the room, closed the door and sat across from the chief. She is a nice woman, and I know she has plenty of stuff on her shelf, so meeting with all the employees once a year is probably not her favorite thing either. Jefe was actually the one that hired me almost 10 years ago, to work as a PCT on the CVU, which I did for 5 years. I had just started school, and I worked nights from 6:00 pm to 2:30 am. I felt confident and knowledgeable about my job, I knew who I could ask questions of, and who I should avoid annoying with a question or two. About a year ago I had a couple of very negative experiences related to my job....I suppose you could say my feel goods got hurt, and they are still stinging...The day that happened I learned a HUGE lesson about where I fit in the world. I learned where the bottom line really is...and I learned that I am the only one that is going to stick up for me. Not that I didn't already know that , as in, I know that I must save myself before I can do anything for others. I sure forget that a lot. Evaluations are uncomfortable, at times they are condescending, and others are a celebration. I wonder if everyone comes to tears at these things. I didn't mean to, I took a pill so I'd be less worried, less stressed, but what happened?? Yep, open water works. I really was ready to move on, really...but now I deserved to emotionally regroup and find a place of peace and love of the life I get to create for myself.

Best Gift Ever

2009-10-03T18:33:00.003-06:00

Yea for books!!!! Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble to "spend" the gift card Doug gave me for my birthday. I was in HOG heaven.....I spent forever just perusing the books....isn't that a great word? I looked at the fiction books, the religious books, the novels, the biographies, and I picked some of each. My usual genre is mystery, slasher, whodunit's but I wasn't really in the mood for that so I chose books that I would not normally read. I love reading!! I am really excited to finish my books.
I got 8 books, and only spent a little bit over what was allowed on my card. Oh, and of course I got a couple of bookmarks....so again I have to say Yea for books, and Yea for bookmarks....

Fall Funny

2009-09-23T13:21:00.000-06:00

Ahhh....I love Fall....it's my favorite time of year.

Sad News

2009-09-14T18:59:00.001-06:00

I'm sad. My first celebrity crush has died at age 57, from pancreatic cancer. I fell in love with him when he was Orry Mane on the long ago television movie North and South. He was so handsome and was such a perfect southern gentleman. He could ride a horse, loved his mama, loved his northern friend unconditionally, and fought for the ideals he believed to be correct. PERSONAL NOTE...I do not subscribe to the mentality that many southerners do, which is, THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN....and don't care for Mama's boys in general. I also loved the movie he did with Wesly Snipes, Julie Nemar, WooTangChoo or something like that.
I did love Patrick, I was so excited to go the Dirty Dancing. What about that clay scene in Ghost, as well as the last time he got to hold Demi Moore (Molly) before he left for heaven, those are among the my most favorite love scenes.
I loved that he was a ballet dancer. He was so manly and yet could pull off the delicateness and strength of ballet. He remained married to his wife, and didn't get caught up in the Hollywood thing as far as I could tell.
What a sad day....even if it was just a silly school girl crush.

...last thing I remember....

2009-09-09T14:41:00.000-06:00

This is crazy...I just turned 45...yep that's right 45. That's only 5 years till 50!!! I can just imagine the tall hill I'm perched on....I'm gonna end up on the bottom of it sooner than I want to....YIKES!!! Frequently there are patients that come to the hospital, they're 43, or 44, or maybe 47. They ALL look old...I AM NOT OLD...am I?? Please don't tell me that. I remember when my mom was around 35 and I thought to myself, of course, my Mom is old(even young girls know not to say that stuff to an "older" woman). Now I'm 10 years older that that, and I'm sure I'm not old. OK so I do feel old. That's the trouble with getting older...the pain...not the mental anguish, and drama of it all...just the physical aches and pains that are starting to creep in. Holding all that stress of life in the right side of my neck, the injuries of activities that were much easier 10 or 15 years ago. The uncomfortable feeling of a HOT FLASH...ya I said hot flash. Old people are ending their careers, heck I just graduated from college less that 5 years ago. I'm just starting out. I haven't had enough time to learn everything, I haven't figured out all the stuff I'm supposed to do...I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH RETIREMENT!!!!! On the bright side...I still don't wear glasses. I didn't say I didn't need or or even that that I didn't have a pair, I just said I still don't WEAR them. They are where I can get them if I NEED them, right in my purse buried underneath a lot of other things in there I don't need either...I keep them "just in case". I still have young kids, and NO .... hear me NO grand kids, yet. I don't even have daughters in law or a son in law yet. **Oh, now that stress spot in my neck is starting to flair up.** I have good hearing still, just ask my kids...they will tell you I can hear everything. (mostly the stuff they don't want me to hear...LoL) I haven't gone crazy yet, that's a plus, for me and everyone around me. I'm more patient. I have a better sense of the people in my life, I get what's important to get, and what just doesn't matter. I don't care anymore about being popular, or that I keep up with the Jones, or that I don't fit in with the church ladies. Wisdom is what I've gotten from this age........here's to greater wisdom.....but let's slow down on the age.

Thoughts

2009-09-04T11:52:00.001-06:00

OK so I haven't been blogging so much, but I'm here now. I really gotta wonder why people in the world are so selfish. Maybe I'm selfish too. It's been a difficult couple of weeks. I want my 2 boys Mitch and Sam to spend time with me. During the week is better than the weekends as all they want to do and the weekend is "hang out" with their buddies. Not being allowed that time with them is causing some extreme grief for me. The ex and his wife want to control the boys time...thinking that it's better to have consistency.....I'm pretty sure that the chaotic lifestyle that goes on for them is NOT consistent. Well, I've talked to an attorney....still considering what is in the greatest good.

Max....my little boy....we are working on his placement into a home type environment. This is in the greatest good. I am grateful for Tony's wife on this matter, she is doing the leg work and I get to tag along. I was thinking about some of the comments I've heard from Brenda concerning his care, and the difficulty she is having with it. She's been dealing with it for maybe a year....I dealt with it for 7 years or so....hmmm....my way of dealing with it was sadly not so positive. But really he's just the same as he was for me, only he's taller and stronger. I know the difficulty and I know the anxiety that comes along with his care. No one gets that. It feels over whelming and sad to know that I had no skills to cope with him. I shut it all out. I turned to other things. I ran away. How does a mom do that? I love Anthony, Jill, Mitchel, Sam and Max more that ever.

There are times when I wonder why I had kids. Was I ever a good parent. OK so no good/bad game. It is what it is...it was HELL, and I only just survived in it. If it's true that our lives are a test then it could be said that I have failed.

I AM a powerful, beautiful, peaceful, open woman of light!

2009-08-25T13:43:00.000-06:00

Please

I've told you before, I just want to be loved
Really loved, for the person I am.
The good the bad, the ugly.
With no conditions...Please.

Please love me on the good days & love me on the bad days.
Please love me if I yell , or if I'm sad, or if their is something hard for me to do.
Please love me if I am afraid of my life, my parenting skills, my childhood fears, & leftover sadness.

Please love me reguardless of anything you hate about me.
Please love me if I'm fat, skinny, eat too much, sleep too much, or work too much.
Please love me while I explore, wonder & answer my question about God.

Please love if I never clean, or if I never cook.
Please love me if I wreck my car.
Please love me if I look ugly, say I feel ugly or I just want to be ugly.

Please support me when I try things you know are difficult for me.
Please love me when I have an idea or if I can't follow through on that idea.
Please love if I cry for days or if I am angry over things that are frustrating.
Please hear me when I tell you how I feel.
Please tell me you care about how I feel.

Please protect me, keep me safe from things that are scary for me,
Please promise not to make fun or minimize those things.
Please hug me, hold me, make me feel safe, & loved without expectations.
Please help me feel sucess & not failure.

The First

2009-08-24T08:07:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I saw the movie Julie Julia. It was so good. I loved Meryl Streep, who played Julia Child. She had her down to a T. The actress who played Julie was great as well. Unfortunately, I don't remember her name...maybe I'll look it up later.
I wanted to start a blog just for me, because I have to write. I have a little notebook to write in, but I thought maybe this would be more fun. I may or may not share this blog, I haven't decided. I can promise that it will be full of stuff about me. My life, my feelings, my trials, my triumphs. I get to BE, but I really gotta write about it...it calms me, and gets the negative out of my head. Maybe I should have titled my blog therapy...but saving myself is my therapy so .... this works for me.